It has been some time since I wrote here.
I write now with the same anxious feeling that ended my last post. The nervous fear that -something- is about to happen, though it never does. I hesitate.
But I will not cease. I need to write, to contain my feelings, my emotions and recollections on this “page” so as to preserve them for the time when I forget. Interesting the way those particular words came out. Not “for a time when I may forget”…Too much certainty, but none within my heart.
Recently I have begun attending a new church. The pastor has been speaking to purpose in his current sermon series, and I have found it most apt that I have jumped in at this point. I have been having a crisis of purpose lately. If the title of the blog doesn’t say it clearly enough, I am a hero. Maybe not in fact, I’ve yet to save a life, but…the emotion is there. The need to save lives. The unwillingness to settle for anything less….and there is the problem. I cannot live a life that doesn’t match up to my desire, to my desperate dream. I am the Desperation Hero, because I am a hero out of desperation. I need it. I need the defined and solid purpose to my life. Too long I have lived vicariously through my characters, saving lives, ending villains, suffering and rising above. And for this need, I hurt. I have been told again and again that it is not possible to live this life I dream of. I hurt so deeply. Every time someone reminds me that magic isn’t real, that my belief in it, in my necklace and in my birthright, is childish and/or foolish….I ache. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. Too many.
And so I have painstakingly tried to deter myself from this path I have always set my eyes towards. I told myself that my villain did not, could not exist. That no one like him would come for me, either. That my dream was fake. A dream, nothing substantial. Nothing real. And I hurt all the worse, for what can replace such a huge part of my life? My one reason. I do not exaggerate here. The reason that lies behind my continued existence is my dream, my perceived destiny. To find it shattered? It left not just a hole in my heart, but as it broke it gashed me, cutting me deeply in all areas of my life.
Once, on some blog that I cannot locate at this moment, I wrote down a conversation between me and an entity as it occurred. This entity was a female voice within my mind, more of an echoing impression that I put words to than precise words from her, though the impressions were strong enough that I could not deny them. She said one thing that had struck me so deeply that I was nearly stirred to tears.
“All things in time.”
Those were her words to me. I refused them. “You can’t promise me that. You don’t have the right to promise me that.” She didn’t, or so I thought. After all, who can promise your fate but God itself? I do not recall the rest of the conversation. I shall have to find it….But back to my new church.
During my second visit, after the sermon and service had ended, I knew I had to speak with the pastor. I went to the front immediately, while the feeling was fresh. I told him that I loved his sermon, and that I’d been having a terrible crisis of purpose, one that often drove me to tears. Knowing nothing else, he stopped me with the words “Let me pray for you.” I nodded and bowed my head as he laid a hand on my shoulder and began to speak. The pastor had never met me, knew nothing of me or my struggles, and yet…he immediately began speaking, Straight. To. My. Heart.
Somewhere near the end, he spoke the words that shook me to my core, that took apart my world and stitched my dream back together again, leaving me not only whole, but filled with awe and purpose.
“All things in God’s time.”
When he finished praying, I thanked him, said the words were just what I needed, and went back to join my friend. I told her what had occurred, and cried more. Not tears of sorrow. Tears of utter relief and joy.
I have been promised.
I have been promised.
These words, said, remembered, even thought vehemently, are the new basis of my life. I HAVE been promised. My dream is not foolish. My belief is not childish. They are not without foundations. God has promised me. I am no longer worried for time. It will happen when it will, when it falls perfectly into place in God’s plan. I must only prepare.
I have been working out regularly since that day, 2 weeks ago this morning. I bought a gym membership and have not wasted it. I am re-learning my Taekwondo forms on my own, and as soon as I am ready I will return to my academy. After that, tournaments, races, marathons, my second degree black belt…in no particular order. All these things thanks to those simple words. “All things in God’s time.”
But I must not forget the other side of my preparation. I have been praying, and will continue to do so, and also to attend church regularly. This Sunday I will ask the pastor if the church has any place I can serve, any area I can do good. I don’t know where it will lead, but I will ask.
This post has eased my mind and calmed my worries. I feel measurably better. Thinking about this promise of mine does that. All praise….
I will end my post now in my traditional fashion, and I pray that the reading finds you well already….
Travel well, and deity bless.