-but not to be heard

I want to reach out. I want to scream and cry and vent my pain in hopes it will lessen….but for some reason I can’t bear for anyone to hear me right now. I feel like I cry for help too often. I feel so weak, so helpless. I hate being seen this way.

Will this ever stop? Gods, I have such great days sometimes. My boyfriend proposed, I’m engaged to be married. I was so elated I could barely function for a week. I’m still excited to finally marry him, but…why is it I can only see my story ending in tragedy? It’s nothing I’d do on purpose….but every time I speculate honestly about my future I see myself hitting a deep depression, being unable to get out of it, and ending it for good out of sheer despair.

I don’t want to hurt him like that.

But when I think about it, I can’t imagine any other ending to my story.

I need help, but I am so sick of asking for it. I feel like the boy who cried wolf. Truth is, I mean it. I need help. I’ve gotten it off and on but it’s not doing any permanent good. Maybe I need more pills, more talk therapy, or a trip to the hospital…I just don’t know. What I do know is that I can’t keep ending up here, or that tragic ending is going to happen. I’m strong or else it would have happened a long time ago, but I can’t be strong forever.

Striving

Well well, now it has really been a long time since I wrote here! How to update you?

Statuses are as follows:

• School: withdrew from all classes spring 2012, currently looking to reenter.
• Job: Left Home Depot, cycled through several alternatives, currently at an excellent credit union.
• Boyfriend: Wonderful as always. 6 years already, going on 7.
• Happiness: Or lack thereof…been struggling a LOT with my depression.
• Physical wellness: Even more weight gained, still fighting my awful habits.

I don’t really have much to say…I opened this thinking I would rant about getting better, but the will has suddenly left me. I fear I may collapse back into melancholy…I’d best go to bed before that happens.

That’s how my nights have been going lately. Stay up until depression hints it may return, then flee to the arms of sleep.

Oh well.

Travel well, my friends, and Deity bless.

Anxious

It has been some time since I wrote here.

I write now with the same anxious feeling that ended my last post. The nervous fear that -something- is about to happen, though it never does. I hesitate.

But I will not cease. I need to write, to contain my feelings, my emotions and recollections on this “page” so as to preserve them for the time when I forget. Interesting the way those particular words came out. Not “for a time when I may forget”…Too much certainty, but none within my heart.

A sigh.

Recently I have begun attending a new church. The pastor has been speaking to purpose in his current sermon series, and I have found it most apt that I have jumped in at this point. I have been having a crisis of purpose lately. If the title of the blog doesn’t say it clearly enough, I am a hero. Maybe not in fact, I’ve yet to save a life, but…the emotion is there. The need to save lives. The unwillingness to settle for anything less….and there is the problem. I cannot live a life that doesn’t match up to my desire, to my desperate dream. I am the Desperation Hero, because I am a hero out of desperation. I need it. I need the defined and solid purpose to my life. Too long I have lived vicariously through my characters, saving lives, ending villains, suffering and rising above. And for this need, I hurt. I have been told again and again that it is not possible to live this life I dream of. I hurt so deeply. Every time someone reminds me that magic isn’t real, that my belief in it, in my necklace and in my birthright, is childish and/or foolish….I ache. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. Too many.

And so I have painstakingly tried to deter myself from this path I have always set my eyes towards. I told myself that my villain did not, could not exist. That no one like him would come for me, either. That my dream was fake. A dream, nothing substantial. Nothing real. And I hurt all the worse, for what can replace such a huge part of my life? My one reason. I do not exaggerate here. The reason that lies behind my continued existence is my dream, my perceived destiny. To find it shattered? It left not just a hole in my heart, but as it broke it gashed me, cutting me deeply in all areas of my life.

Once, on some blog that I cannot locate at this moment, I wrote down a conversation between me and an entity as it occurred. This entity was a female voice within my mind, more of an echoing impression that I put words to than precise words from her, though the impressions were strong enough that I could not deny them. She said one thing that had struck me so deeply that I was nearly stirred to tears.

“All things in time.”

Those were her words to me. I refused them. “You can’t promise me that. You don’t have the right to promise me that.” She didn’t, or so I thought. After all, who can promise your fate but God itself? I do not recall the rest of the conversation. I shall have to find it….But back to my new church.

During my second visit, after the sermon and service had ended, I knew I had to speak with the pastor. I went to the front immediately, while the feeling was fresh. I told him that I loved his sermon, and that I’d been having a terrible crisis of purpose, one that often drove me to tears. Knowing nothing else, he stopped me with the words “Let me pray for you.” I nodded and bowed my head as he laid a hand on my shoulder and began to speak. The pastor had never met me, knew nothing of me or my struggles, and yet…he immediately began speaking, Straight. To. My. Heart.

Somewhere near the end, he spoke the words that shook me to my core, that took apart my world and stitched my dream back together again, leaving me not only whole, but filled with awe and purpose.

“All things in God’s time.”

I cried.

When he finished praying, I thanked him, said the words were just what I needed, and went back to join my friend. I told her what had occurred, and cried more. Not tears of sorrow. Tears of utter relief and joy.

I have been promised.

I have been promised.

These words, said, remembered, even thought vehemently, are the new basis of my life. I HAVE been promised. My dream is not foolish. My belief is not childish. They are not without foundations. God has promised me. I am no longer worried for time. It will happen when it will, when it falls perfectly into place in God’s plan. I must only prepare.

I have been working out regularly since that day, 2 weeks ago this morning. I bought a gym membership and have not wasted it. I am re-learning my Taekwondo forms on my own, and as soon as I am ready I will return to my academy. After that, tournaments, races, marathons, my second degree black belt…in no particular order. All these things thanks to those simple words. “All things in God’s time.”

But I must not forget the other side of my preparation. I have been praying, and will continue to do so, and also to attend church regularly. This Sunday I will ask the pastor if the church has any place I can serve, any area I can do good. I don’t know where it will lead, but I will ask.

This post has eased my mind and calmed my worries. I feel measurably better. Thinking about this promise of mine does that. All praise….

I will end my post now in my traditional fashion, and I pray that the reading finds you well already….

Travel well, and deity bless.

Again

Better.
Better.
The need to be better burns through me, leaving my heart aching. I can’t help but feel that things are changing. Things are changing, and I can no longer afford to remain stagnant. The pressure of the world is building up, preparing to break through my resistance.
I find myself distracted suddenly. Why I don’t know. The words no longer come so easily. Then comes the feeling of dread, the unnamed terror that something is about to go horribly wrong.
I push it aside. No. This feeling never amounts to truth.
It is time to put away this writing, so I conclude again with the oath to do better. I am growing stronger. I will continue.

Travel well and deity bless.

Now Is The Time

It’s been a while, my friends. I guess I should start back in with some updates.

I got fired from Starbucks because a shift lead lied to me. I’m still rather bitter about it. I did love that job. I’m now working at Home Depot, stocking shelves. However, I’ve hurt my foot and have the week off to recover. Plantar Fasciitis is no fun. I got it from a mix of too much working out, breaking in new shoes, and just plain being on my feet too much.

I’m still in college, currently taking Calculus (again, I failed it last semester for a host of reasons, mostly my teacher SUCKING), Materials Science of Engineering (Hate this class…) Physics (LOVE PHYSICS) and Weight Lifting (which is also awesome). I’m…not doing so well. I failed both my first Calculus and first MSE tests. Ugh. At least I’m rocking Physics…I’ve got a test in it tomorrow though.

My overall happiness level hasn’t been spectacular. I have my days, of course, but most of the time I range between “okay” and “bleh”. I feel now is the time to reignite my resolutions. Let’s review them, shall we?

• Be strong so others can lean on me.
• Be true so others can trust in me.
• Be wise so others can come to me.
• Be dedicated so others can look up to me.

I think that I need to focus on dedication right now. I’m drowning in school work. I keep procrastinating and not getting enough sleep.

So then, plans.

Once, on here, I made a promise to spend an hour or two at the library every day. I’d like to start that up again. Along with that, there are a few rules I came up with to further my goals of self-improvement. These are all day by day things.

• 30-60 minutes of exercise
• Study and do homework for as long as is necessary
• Read at every opportunity
• Take care of myself
• Spend no more than an hour of leisure time online

Here goes. I’ve got to stop being so hesitant. I just have to dive in.

 

Travel well, and deity bless.

Preperation

I guess I fell off the posting train….a while ago….Heh.

Well, the Happiness Project on Facebook is restarting this month, so here I am again. Since my last post, I’ve lost my job at Starbucks, gotten a job at a local pizza shop, started a new semester of school, decided to get a work at home job for a call center (haven’t gotten it yet, but have decided to try), started having trouble with school (already?!) and in general had my ups and downs of happiness and depression. I am glad to say I can recall only one depressed episode recently, and that was mostly from crankiness caused by lack of sleep. I have no excuse for falling behind in school, though!

I’ve reworked my list of goals/commandments/whatnot for my happiness project, and the first month is doubled up: Promise and Schedule. It’s time to make my scheduling take effect, in order to pull myself back from the brink of a scholastic disaster. On top of that, it’s time to decide on my public dedication for the Promise aspect. I have decided to make a scholastic dedication.

 

Starting Monday September 12th, I am to spend 1-2 hours every day in a library (the school’s or the one near my house) studying or doing homework. If I cannot get to the library for any reason, I will set up in the loft of my house and do the 1-2 hours there.

 

This dedication applies until further notice. I hope to make it a firm habit and keep to it until the end of my schooling years…maybe even past then! One should never stop learning, y’know. The ONLY reason this dedication may be cancelled is if the call center job I get gives me 40 hours a week for training, in which case this will take effect again after that training period is over.

I’d say wish me luck, but I don’t need luck. I’ve got Conviction!

Trying To Open My Own Eyes

We have everything, and so we have nothing. We, all of us, myself especially, are victims of our own desires, and we are constantly falling prey to them. But who/what gave us these desires? The rest of us. And those before us. And their desires evolved from the desires of those before them. We are brilliantly stupid creatures. We are constantly learning new ways to destroy ourselves, and despite the fact that many of us KNOW this…we continue. We march….nay, we dance to our destruction, our sighted eyes closed.

I’m sick of being blind. I’m sick of blinding myself. This is all too much. All of this! But I’ve grown weak, attached to my plush surroundings. I’m fighting to let go. Deity have mercy, for I know what I have done…what I do…what I will continue to do…As much as I cry out and struggle, it may all be in vain. It will be if I cannot put my heart and my mind on the same side.

Technology and Willpower

I’m considering a bit of a radical experiment. No Internet, no computer, and no iPod for at least a week, but maybe a month. My technological interactions would be more or less limited to phone calls and texts, though I’m considering allowing myself to check email once a day or every two days. I would likely allow myself to post here too, but I’m not sure.
The reason this experiment has come to mind is ironically an Internet show I watched with my boyfriend. It’s on http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com and is called Suburban Knights. The villain hates technology and is seeking to destroy it and bring the world back to the ways of magic. He meets several people who live by their tech, and after asking them what they think of the 21st century and getting various dimwitted replies, he kills each of them. While I don’t advocate killing people (even idiots…) I kind of sympathize with him. I miss simpler days. I would give up tech for magic in a heartbeat, too. And I completely agree that we are too dependent on our technology. It is taking away our willpower, our competence, our true connections with people, and worst of all, our brainpower. We are becoming complacent and, dare I say, stupid. Our very greatest advantage is killing itself!

…….

But enough escalating rage. Back on topic….even if dropping tech for a while doesn’t give me the ability to make things explode with my mind (lol), I think it will improve my happiness in a few ways. One is the strengthening of my willpower, which is an area of my life that has been severely lacking, and which has been a repeated source of depression. Another reason is that I feel increasingly disconnected. I spend my train rides with headphones in and on my phone, browsing the internet or checking email. I sit at home, in my room, ignoring my family to chat with friends across the country. While this may keep me in touch with them….and while they are some of my best and dearest friends, this habit takes away from my making friends I can see and go to the mall with and whatnot. It takes me out of the world I’m trying to master, if that makes sense. I could be reading or doing homework instead, but I spend hours chatting and browsing instead of bettering myself.

To avoid cutting myself off from these friends, my phone will remain on during this trial, and I invite them to call me and text me, I want to keep in touch…I just want to learn to disconnect a little at the same time. I’ve become one of those unfortunate souls who is CONSTANTLY in touch with EVERYONE. Because of this, I am becoming complacent, bored and boring, so connected I can’t connect, worst of all, I am becoming…no, I AM dependent. I depend on my tech to get me through the day, and this is finally becoming unacceptable.

I will take comments and questions, I really want to hear what you, my friends, have to say about this….But I do have to say, my mind is pretty well made up. I will likely do this, barring someone has an incredible argument against it.

Please let me know what you think!

 

Travel well and Deity bless.

Gathering Thoughts and Marshalling Forces

As the month draws to a close, I see I’ve only really kept one of my resolutions. I haven’t been working out, I haven’t been keeping goals or even doing what aught to be done. All I’ve done is journal. In a way, this could be seen as a small victory. I’ve tried to keep a blog before, and consistently failed. This is the longest a blog of mine has ever stayed afloat. So I choose to celebrate that victory. But I can’t stop there. I still have so many goals I’ve set for myself!

I’ve decided to somewhat change my method of going after this. I’m keeping my four commandments (strong, true, wise, dedicated) but instead of going after one commandment a month, I will go after one resolution per month, thus filling out a whole year. I will need to shuffle some of them around a little for various reasons, including that I don’t have a resolution for “Be wise so others can come to me” yet…

That said, this month is covering Physical Strength. I have a few things to get done concerning this.

• Run every day (At least 10 minutes, 30 is ideal.)
• Weightlift/bodyweight exercises every MWF (pushups and situps minimum, full 30 minute workout ideal.)
• Tai Chi practice every morning and night (either 10 minutes practice or one whole iteration of the form once I’ve learned it.)

The Tai Chi serves multiple purposes, and is a generally healthy thing for me, body, mind, and soul. The others should be obvious. : P

So…here’s to one goal met, and many to be met in the days, months, and years to come. Cheers, friends!

Travel well, and deity bless.

Feeling good, feeling bad

Today’s musing is brought to you by the very thing that prevented my posting yesterday-D&D, dungeons and dragons.

Y’know, there is a fine balance when it comes to difficult and cooperative games. Too little challenge, not enough struggle, and it becomes boring. And yet, too difficult, too nervewracking, and the game becomes work, something you do because it is expected, because it would hurt feelings if you quit. Right now, my D&D game is running all over the “too difficult” side of the map.

By the end of the dungeon, I felt exhausted, frustrated, and nearly angry, even though we won! Suffice it to say it was VERY close. All in all, I didn’t enjoy myself. I had even made up my mind that if my character died, I would quit playing. But she lived, so I have to keep playing.

This is not to say the game is all bad. There are moments I really enjoy, or I would never have gotten this far. When my character hits, she hits hard, and she is quite capable of fighting in general. I do love getting a good hit in and taking out an enemy in a single blow. But when I’m facing a puzzle I can’t solve, or an enemy I can’t kill, I get intensely frustrated.

I find most things are this way. If I can’t do a task I’ve either chosen or been set to, I generally get upset and try my darnedest to get out of doing it. When I can’t reasonably get out, I get angry. “who set this up this way? This is stupid! Why did they possibly think I could do this? This is clearly too difficult and someone else should be here, not me.” and so on.

Of course, this is a fine line. I also hate being bored. I guess being overwhelmed is worse, though. Anyway, my point is that this implies the line between the results is thin as well. Feeling good can easily become feeling bad, just as the opposite is true. So the problem then, is how does one make this change occur by will? When facing something you can’t defeat, solve, or run away from, how do you turn this frustration into something useful? Or at least less destructive? Mind you, this question does go beyond games, as the solution there is to remember this is a game that should be fun, or to find a way to politely excuse yourself from playing. Another situation would be a very difficult problem on an exam. That’s not nearly as escapable…

Well, I’d like your suggestions and thoughts! Please do comment. ^_^